well almost midnight.. I was thinking this evening about my past..my crazy – crazy past - thinking about how in ways I miss it and about how in ways I would never wish to be that way again. It’s so strange to me to think that just ten short years ago I was such a wild child.. Living the ultimate life of freedom. Sleeping with whom ever I chose to be with – loving whom ever I could.
From the time I was 13 I had lost my virginity, and I really did like that boy a lot. He was the “cool” unique boy who always kept to himself yet had all the friends in the world. We would sneak down to his bedroom and just hang out – listening to music, talking about his dreams to produce a record (he has by the way and he’s pretty damn good) We were just so young and after the first time we just layed together, covered in sweat and so full of love and fear.. I remember riding the bus home back to southwest Calgary, and being able to still feel what it felt like having him inside of me.. I loved it. We stayed together for a few months and then when we broke up we sat on the checkered floor of his room and cried together. How dramatic it was – the two of us sobbing like that. but we listened to our sad music and decided it was really for the best. I continued sleeping with him afterwards so it really wasn’t any different besides the label of “girlfriend and boyfriend” … How naive I was for thinking that it may have actually worked out. he was a pretty cool guy though. lol….
After him – I went through quite the stage of fuck men and I can use them for sex just the same that they can use woman… I was a wild child. I experimented with drinking and then with drugs (acid being my favorite drug or choice) I slept with lots and lots of boys… there were a few along the way that I know I hurt – but for the most part I just let lust take over. It bothers me how I didn’t respect myself.. I just didn’t have any reason at the time to hope for love… really thought this was what happiness was though – Being wild and crazy and free…
We got the news that my father was transferred to Ontario so I moved out east …
I told myself that it would be different there… I stopped doing drugs – still drank quite a bit though and eventually I met a beautiful girl and fell in love. There is very few people in my life who know about her, one being my husband and the other – my mother. IT is not something I have ever felt a need to hide – but it holds a lot of heartache still and is hard to talk about. It also isn’t something that most people could understand – seeing as I am now married with children.. but I did love her- with all of my heart the same as I could love any man.
She and I were inseparable. She repaired all of the hurt, damage and broken baggage I was carrying.. We would have midnight tea parties outside with the fairies… We would sing Tori Amos at the tops of our lungs and cry over how beautiful her words were. We held hands everywhere we went.. she had such tiny little hands. … It did not matter what others thought of us – we had each other and that was all we needed. She was an artist – an amazing artist. She painted a picture of us together – and it was beautiful. I remember how it felt to have the warmth of a woman pressed against me. I remember how good it felt to hold onto a woman and know that we were one – that we understood each other in a way that only woman can. We would go on adventures together.. Following street signs and symbols in the earth.. We ended up on night on top of a train track bridge with beautiful water beneath us and a full moon overheard smiling down on us. it was amazing.
one day after being together for over two years (we were planning on moving in together) I read her journal. She was in the shower – and I picked it up l – knowing that I shouldn’t have. and there were the words ” I don’t want her here”
My heart broke. The worst heart ache that I have felt to this day… I left and I didn’t go back there. I never let her know that I read her words – I just let us drift apart as though it was the most natural thing. my heart still hurts when I think of the love that I felt towards her – she added me recently as a friend on facebook and wrote to me that she can’t listen to Tori without thinking of me – and how was I? and fuck you I thought.
after her there was a guy – not quite a man who I was with for some time. He was needy and I thought I could fix him, and I did love him but knew that if I stayed with a guy like that I would end up living in a trailer park somewhere with ten children on welfare. I left him after he didn’t come home one night. He had spent the night with an ex of his. What a fucking pig.
So I did the old midnight move with a suitcase of belongings to go back west. My family moved back short after which was awesome. In Calgary I learned how to love losing myself with alcohol. I would dance till all hours of the nights, bring strangers home, go to strangers homes, and really test my own mortality. I did a lot of cocaine and hung around with people who had dead souls. There was this one guy who was so into needles that he had to use the veins in his feet because the ones in his arms were no good. He passed me his used needles and made bend the tips and break them so that he or no one else would use them again. I am honestly sure he has died by now. (I never touched anything via needles- they just scared the crap out of me)
I developed a fear around this time that I had AIDS. I was sure of it. every cough I had – every bruise I saw, every slight bit of stomach pain or headache – AIDS.. that was it. I avoided Doctors for a total of 7 years because I just couldn’t face the diagnosis… It wasn’t until I became pregnant that I faced the reality of going to a Doctor – I had already played out the scenario in my head of how the Doctor would break the news.. the tests all came back negative. my obsessive fear was shattered – just like that hours, days, years of worry wasted. did I mention that I am a hypochondriac?
I met my husband at a bar one night, I always joke that he was a one night stand gone bad 
LOL he is honestly a life saver for me. There are times that I feel the sudden urge to hit him over the head with a frying pan and there are about a million things he does to annoy me – but he is a good man. He loves me and he is an amazing father to our two little boys. I was lost when I met him – and I still feel lost some days but I can look at the life we have created for ourselves… look at our children… and KNOW that I am where I need to be. whether or not I know where I am going to – I am where I need to be.
Like I said before there are days that I miss being the Wild free woman who I was – but there are days when all I do is lounge around in PJ’s with my hair messy, make-up smeared – with our house a disaster and I am so glad to be home.
